How I met my boyfriend

It was a Sunday night in late November, early December, about 10 p.m. when I first saw him. I don’t remember what I was wearing but I was definitely not dressed to my best potential. However I recall, he was wearing dark grey sweatpants with a red hoodie and a hat … Now that I think about it, I think I had on sweatpants and a hat too. He caught my eye from the start even though I was talking on and off with another guy.

We sort of got to know each other through our environment and around February, I texted my sister and my cousin saying “I think I have a crush on this guy.” Never did I imagine that he would be remotely attracted to me. Not trying to say that I’m not something but I honestly thought that I was out of his league.

This is when I started to think that maybe he liked me. One night around 8 o’clock, I think this was late March, we stood outside talking (in the cold). The vibe was right, our conversation was nice, light and easy.  It was a bunch of random topics but somehow we made them all connect. (I’m smiling right now just thinking about it). The second time was in April after I came back from my vacation. I jokingly said “I know you like looking at me, it’s because you missed me isn’t it?” (Cocky much lol). But he mumbled something underneath his breath that sounded a lot like “yeah maybe a little”.

Crazy thing is even with all that, I was still wasn’t sure that he liked liked me.

Fast forward to the end of April, he asked me out!!!! What went through my mind were the following, is he drunk? is this a joke? is this real? am I dreaming?  He was nervous but yet he “shot his shot”.  His words went as followed: “I like you, I think we would have fun together, will you go out with me?” Of course I said yes.

Unfortunately with our schedules, we haven’t had our official first date yet. But every time we spend time together, I get to know him a little better and I’m glad I didn’t let my doubts stop me from saying yes. He makes me laugh, he pays attention, he’s straight with me (if I mess up, he’ll tell me) and I appreciate that.

Relationships aren’t easy and they require effort on both ends. And when you care about someone and they reciprocate your feelings; you realize that through the good, the bad, the ugly you’ll stick by them because there’s no one else you’d rather be with.

 

P.S. For those wondering what happened with the other guy that I was on and off with, I told him that I wanted to put my full attention on someone else and he accepted. No drama, no fuss.

Journey to Love

So I’ve been single for about 3 years now and honestly it’s been on purpose. Much as it pains me to admit it, my parents were right I was jumping from relationship to relationship.

The issue was, I didn’t know who I was. With every relationship I was trying to fit this mold of who my partner thought I was or wanted me to be. As you can imagine it was frustrating for the both of us.

So like I said, I’ve remained single.

I had to figure out who I was as an individual so that I wouldn’t get sucked into being this person that wasn’t really me.

I spent these past years trying new things and stepping out of my comfort zone and I honestly have enjoyed these years of discovery. I wasn’t in “relationships” but I “talked” to some people and I was able to put into perspective my flaws and strengths. 

I’m still discovering things about myself but I’m a lot more confident in the woman I am. And because of that, I am able to recognize my self-worth. I know what I deserve, I know what I won’t settle for. I know that I’m not going to let other people’s opinions influence who I end up with.

I’m also trusting God and remaining in constant communication with Him. Every time I start to like someone I question it. “Do I like him because I’m seeing so much of him?” “Is it his looks that are drawing me in?” “Based on what I already, would we mesh or clash?” 

These are some of the things that I ask myself. And I’ve also created a method to my madness; I give my attractions 1 month. If nothing happens in one month to solidify my interest I let go. 

I’m at this stage where I am looking for my husband. I don’t need to be in a relationship with him yet, but I want us to have at least our friendship established. I’m not going to rush things but let things flow naturally. And honestly, this is going to be hard for me because I’m really not a patient person but I’ll make it.

The Secret – Part 2

Respect and value. I guess they go hand-in-hand, you will respect someone you value. But you can also respect someone without them having value in your life (that’s not what this is about).

Value is when someone sees beyond what the rest world sees, they see you: who you are on the inside.

For example: a sheltered person may see someone who has tattoos or dreads or rides a motorcycle as “dangerous”. However, that individual could be someone who’s passionate about climate change or creating resources for people in developing countries. You will never know until you get to know that person.

That’s why dating is so important, you date to learn about each other and sometimes along the way, you discover something about yourself.

As you learn about a person, you tend to understand why they are who they are. If you don’t respect that person you won’t seek to be in their presence.

In my eyes, respect isn’t simply given because someone holds a higher title or makes more money or is older than you. Respect is earned based on character and you value someone with great character.

The Secret – Part 1

To attracting a woman is simple.

It’s not about how good you look or how fine you smell, though that does help.  In reality, every woman wants the same thing: to be appreciated.

Appreciated in the sense that: you value her opinion, you respect her views, you see beyond her body. You listen and follow through. 

I had a guy take me on a date to the gun range. Mind you this was our first date and probably the best first date I’ve been on.

And here’s why: let me first just say that I am not a gun fanatic. I couldn’t tell you the difference between a Glock 19 or a Smith and Wesson. However, I have always wanted to go the range and I told him so during one of our many conversations.

Honestly, I thought I was just going to watch him shoot a few rounds but I got to participate! Even though I was scared (and jumped at the sound of about every gunshot) he still let/made me take a couple shots. He showed how to position myself, how to hold the gun and trusted me to listen to him and follow his instructions so much that he never allowed me to pick up the gun without it being loaded. (he also knows me well enough to know that I would have probably chickened out if he hadn’t).

The moral of the story is, pay attention to the conversations you have with the people you’re attracted to. They can inspire great dates, big smiles and awesome memories.

Though I was in his world, I felt safe and comfortable. I got to be a part of something outside of me, without losing myself. That’s the goal, to be two different individuals together.

Part 2: will focus on values and respect.

Dating vs. Being in a Relationship

Dating is the art of getting to know someone better, someone who you are considering committing yourself to or have decided to commit yourself to. Being in a relationship is a commitment and comes with a title. 

Think of it as stages that sort of intertwine.  There’s the “talking” stage where you’re kind of getting a feel for the person. You’re interested but not sure yet if you’re compatible or if that person is worth your efforts.

Dating is the fun part, the best part really because there’s always something to discover.  Dating allows for adventure, challenges that brings you together and defines you. Dating is a way to grow. Dating is backing words with actions. Talk is cheap, anyone can say “I love you” but that doesn’t mean that they mean it. We’ve all been there so we know.

A relationship means I am committed to you. Imagine a pool: “talking” is dipping your toes to test the waters. Dating is putting your legs or 3/4 of your body in the water and a relationship is a full on submersion. 

The key to a lasting relationship besides putting God first is to never stop dating. That’s why I really wanted to do this blog. Sometimes along the way, relationships start to feel like a chore. You go to same places over and over and it becomes routine; you think the logical thing to do is get married because you’ve been together for so long. When you haven’t been dating since you got in the relationship, you assumed that you know everything that you learned in the beginning. Not taking in the fact that you’ve both changed and hopefully have grown during that time period and that there’s always something new to learn. 

So ladies and gents, whether you’re single, in a relationship, married or whatever, remember NEVER stop dating.

Why we scream on roller coasters

It’s a total lack of trust

So here’s what happened, during my birthday week celebration my parents went on their first roller coaster ride. After the ride my dad said “I thought I was gonna fall, but after the first dip I didn’t fall and I knew I would be okay.”

Fast forward to tonight, I just watched “nobody’s fool” with my sisters and it hit me. (Tipsy mind working). We scream because we don’t trust that we won’t fall or we think that somewhere long the ride something will go wrong and we won’t be able to recover from the damage.

Sort of like when people get hurt and then decide to get back out there. You know you want to move on (get on that roller coaster), you know you’ve pre-vetted the guy or girl (checked to make sure you’re truly strapped in) but you still scream when the ride goes down on turns a corner too fast or goes backwards at top speed. You get scared when things start to go wrong, a.k.a your first disagreement/argument.

Here’a how “Nobody’s Fool” ties in. Danica (Tika Sumpter) is heartbroken over her ex-fiance dumping her and moving on. Even though Danica’s been hurt she still wants to find love, she wants someone who matches everything on her “list.” (Lists don’t work ladies/gents). Charlie (the guy she’s never met but has been dating for a year) seems like the perfect guy. He checks everything off her list while Frank (Omari Chadwick) is someone she could never see herself associated with. Of course, predictable we know who she ends up with.

However, during the movie Danica “harmlessly” flirted with Frank while she was dating Charlie. (She didn’t want to admit that she had a thing for Frank). As she gets to know more about Frank (who she actually sees regularly) she becomes blinded by his flaws and imperfections (things that aren’t on her list). But, he’s great in bed so she keeps him around until she finally meets Charlie. Danica drops Frank like hot potatoes to be with the guy who matches everything on her “list”. Finds out, Charlie isn’t the guy for her but she was so stuck on that list that she couldn’t see Frank for what he was.

Danica’s list was her safety net or in this case “pre-vetting” process. Frank is clearly the roller coaster, he takes turns with her that feel unexpected and because it doesn’t fit her “plan” for her life she tries to fall back.

What am I getting at? Trust yourself to make the right decision for YOU. Let go and enjoy the twist and turns of your partner, it builds character. I am not saying to stay with an asshole or jerk or disrespectful person. But don’t dismiss someone simply because they don’t fit in your box.

How to handle rejection

Can I be honest? I don’t know how to guide you on how to handle rejection. But, I know that what I tell myself motivates me to move on. The key is to move on, move forward, move past the hurt.

It sucks to be rejected, especially if you have low self-esteem. And there’s a lot that affects low self-esteem but that’s a topic for another time.

You question yourself. What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me? Am I not good enough? I am not pretty enough? Should I straighten my hair? Should I wear tighter clothes? Should I work out more? Should I start listening to this artist? What should I change about myself so he or she can like me?

These are questions we all ask. Whether we say out loud or in mind, those questions are real.

…….

You know how they always say, actions speak louder than words? Well, words have a more lasting impact than actions. If you’re a child of God you know the power of words, the power of speaking things into existence. I live by that, so here’s what I do.

While my mind is trying to make me think that I’m not good enough, I’m declaring that I am more than enough. While I’m online shopping trying to “update” my closet to be more likable, I am declaring that I am worth it. While drowning my sorrows and hurt and pain and disappointment in alcohol, my heart is screaming that I deserve someone good.

You got turned down/ghosted BECAUSE THEY WEREN’T READY FOR YOU. They could have broken you, they could have made your life miserable. Again, I don’t know for sure but I always say, a rejection is a confirmation from God that he wasn’t for me.

Someone better is coming your way. Cry, kick and then dust yourself off. Shake your shoulders, take a deep breath, take a good look at yourself. Look yourself in the mirror and say it with confidence, better is coming. Ladies, put your lipstick on. Fellas, put on your best shoes. Strut, better is coming.

Better is coming!