Depression

It’s real, it doesn’t discriminate: whether you have all the money in the world or you’re broke, no matter your color.

Unless you personally go through it, it’s hard to understand depression.

It brings forth the hard truth that materialistic things don’t matter.

Once upon a time, I thought and felt like I didn’t matter. I went through the motions but I had this constant thought “it wouldn’t make a difference if I wasn’t here anymore.” The world would keep spinning with or without me. I felt that I had no value, no worth, nothing to contribute to the world.

It’s a hard habit to break, especially if you’ve ever been bullied. I would cry because I had so little faith myself. I’d keep to myself, remain reclusive because what was the point? I felt alone.

I started seeing the school psychologist by force but after God, that’s what saved me. I needed someone to listen, someone to hear me, someone to see me.

 I had to learn to love myself, to not let other people’s hurtful words crush me. I had to learn to accept myself because there’s only one me.

 It isn’t a 1,2,3 thing, you don’t just wake up one day and say “I’m not depressed anymore”. It’s a process, slow but nonetheless a process. It isn’t easy but certain things do help, such as

  • surrounding yourself with people who care about you and appreciate you

  • daily words/phrases/quotes that promote positivity

  • seeking help.

Sometimes we think that no one will get us, we’ll be dismissed but YOU have to try. I have this hoodie that says “You Matter” on the front and on the inside sleeves near the wrist area it reads “I feel weak” on the left side “but I know I’m strong” on the right side. Every time I wear it, I’m reminded of how far I’ve come and how much I overcame.I am still here and I’m okay. The world can still spin after I’m gone but that’s okay because I meant something. I mean something. I matter. I have a reason to live. I MATTER!

The end goal is to find your purpose, find a reason, at least one for the will to keep going. Someone loves you, someone cares about you, someone wants to see you succeed, someone wants to see you happy. Believe that.

 

 

 

You’re Breaking My Walls

 

I didn’t want to like you

You’re not what I had in mind for a partner

I wanted someone 6 feet tall with strong shoulders

I dreamed of a guy who could sing and dance

I imagined a guy who would fix all my car troubles

But instead I found you

You’re barely 6 feet and your back doesn’t make drool

You don’t know every kinks of a car but you know enough to calm me down

You can’t hold a tune but your moves more than make-up for it

You make me laugh

You see past my bulls*** and call me out on it

You’re not afraid to show your emotions

Your respect for me exceeds my expectations

Your love for God motivates me to get closer to Him

You fill the voids I didn’t think needed to be filled

 

… It was never about your looks

Your character swept me off my feet

You stayed true to yourself from the start

Never wavered, never backed down

And now

You’ve broken down my walls and my heart feels empty without you

The most confusing poem

A lot, maybe too much, maybe more than enough

All I know is my body is tired

Of the insults and names thrown at me

Tears falling down my eyes because

The fight isn’t mine to fight

My eyes are reading nonsense

My emotions being played with

I guess my heart’s a revolving door

Because people sure do love

Walking in and out

As I’m really made of steel

Makes no sense to me

But I guess one day it will

Until then I’ll be a raging storm

Until I find my way out this dark tunnel