Breaking Free

I ended things with my last boyfriend. To many people it came as a shock, him included but I reached my breaking point. Our last face-to-face conversation, if you wanna call it that, told me everything I needed to know. Right then and there, I knew that it wasn’t what I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was difficult, I cried (that’s three years man) but I looked myself in the mirror and told myself “you made the right decision”.

What happened? The lack of trust, the unwillingness to heal from the past, the constant mothering to take care of himself. It was too much, he said I brought him peace but he didn’t reciprocate. He took everything literal, I couldn’t talk to him. If I had a bad day, I couldn’t go to him and have him just listen. I didn’t need him to get mad on my behalf or offer advice, just listen.

He told me that I didn’t listen, I didn’t take things that mattered to him seriously. Maybe I didn’t, not in the way he wanted.

How do I feel now? I’m okay, I had mentally checked out I think since we spent that new year arguing 2 years ago. I got on Hinged but I’m thinking of deleting the damn thing, all these dudes say the same thing and still can’t hold a conversation. I think taking that vacation was just perfect timing, I let go. Talking to my girlfriends helped. Now I’m honestly chilling and waiting on God.

What did I learn? I learned that I am not mentally capable of being with someone who has high anxiety and hasn’t dealt with their traumas. I learned that I am still not a patient person and that it is sometimes okay to be selfish. I was reminded that a relationship is two individuals, you should still have a life and personality outside of your relationship. It was reinfornced, that how a man treats his mother is how he’ll treat you.

My goals for the year were already centered around myself. It is integral to remember that, you should always continue to aim to better yourself. Whether through education and whatever other avenue, reach higher, compete with yourself. Grow for you, for your future self.

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