Pour it Out

When I broke up with my ex over a year ago, I said I wouldn’t bash him. I’m not going to either. But I just came to a realization, pride kept me in something that shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did. I thought I knew better, I thought I was strong enough, I thought it would never be me.

Allow me to share some of my mistakes and sprinkle some reaffirmations. Trust your gut! Had I backed up what my conscience/gut was warning me about I wouldn’t have gone out with him. It was me jumping in and doing things according to my own timeline instead of God’s.

The first time I saw him drunk, I feared he would hit me. He never did but that feeling was deep within me. It’s crazy that even after that I still said yes. I thought I could fix him… talk about a God complex.

I have been told that I’m a “safe haven” or a safe place where men feel at peace in my presence but at what cost? I saw clouds of conflict in eyes, and I thought I could be his peace.

I was looking for stability where it didn’t exist. Instead, there was suffocating jealousy, constantly mad at the world, always trying to argue and not willing to compromise or be understood. I cut off people from my life to make him feel more secure.

Have ever tried being loved by someone that didn’t know how to love?

How did I even get there? What happened to me? Was I that desperate to stop having failed relationships that I was willing to settle?

I hid it well, the toll the arguments took on me. Everything that was out of the norm automatically meant I was entertaining someone else. Gosh the verbal and mental abuse……. Ladies and gents, if you find yourself blocking your partner for periods of time, get out of that situation ASAP.

It’s like I wasn’t thinking, it makes me sad for me. My stubbornness did more harm than good. The way I allowed him to talk to me, even when he was in his right mind… yeah.

I feel lighter finally getting this off my chest. Might even do a vlog version to fully release.

I’m healing, didn’t think I needed to since I wasn’t bitter but I am healing.

To all my girlies out there, set your boundaries and stick to them. Even if it’s the best d*** you’ve ever had, the aftermath is just not worth it.

Love yourself enough to be willing to walk away. Sometimes we stay thinking that they’ll change, they’ll get better. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. Sometimes it’s not paranoia, there are times when truly you should go with your gut, even without proof.