It was a Sunday night in late November, early December, about 10 p.m. when I first saw him. I don’t remember what I was wearing but I was definitely not dressed to my best potential.… More
Respect and value. I guess they go hand-in-hand, you will respect someone you value. But you can also respect someone without them having value in your life (that’s not what this is about).
Value is when someone sees beyond what the rest world sees, they see you: who you are on the inside.
For example: a sheltered person may see someone who has tattoos or dreads or rides a motorcycle as “dangerous”. However, that individual could be someone who’s passionate about climate change or creating resources for people in developing countries. You will never know until you get to know that person.
That’s why dating is so important, you date to learn about each other and sometimes along the way, you discover something about yourself.
As you learn about a person, you tend to understand why they are who they are. If you don’t respect that person you won’t seek to be in their presence.
In my eyes, respect isn’t simply given because someone holds a higher title or makes more money or is older than you. Respect is earned based on character and you value someone with great character.
To attracting a woman is simple.
It’s not about how good you look or how fine you smell, though that does help. In reality, every woman wants the same thing: to be appreciated.
Appreciated in the sense that: you value her opinion, you respect her views, you see beyond her body. You listen and follow through.
I had a guy take me on a date to the gun range. Mind you this was our first date and probably the best first date I’ve been on.
And here’s why: let me first just say that I am not a gun fanatic. I couldn’t tell you the difference between a Glock 19 or a Smith and Wesson. However, I have always wanted to go the range and I told him so during one of our many conversations.
Honestly, I thought I was just going to watch him shoot a few rounds but I got to participate! Even though I was scared (and jumped at the sound of about every gunshot) he still let/made me take a couple shots. He showed how to position myself, how to hold the gun and trusted me to listen to him and follow his instructions so much that he never allowed me to pick up the gun without it being loaded. (he also knows me well enough to know that I would have probably chickened out if he hadn’t).
The moral of the story is, pay attention to the conversations you have with the people you’re attracted to. They can inspire great dates, big smiles and awesome memories.
Though I was in his world, I felt safe and comfortable. I got to be a part of something outside of me, without losing myself. That’s the goal, to be two different individuals together.
Part 2: will focus on values and respect.
Dating is the art of getting to know someone better, someone who you are considering committing yourself to or have decided to commit yourself to. Being in a relationship is a commitment and comes with a title.
Think of it as stages that sort of intertwine. There’s the “talking” stage where you’re kind of getting a feel for the person. You’re interested but not sure yet if you’re compatible or if that person is worth your efforts.
Dating is the fun part, the best part really because there’s always something to discover. Dating allows for adventure, challenges that brings you together and defines you. Dating is a way to grow. Dating is backing words with actions. Talk is cheap, anyone can say “I love you” but that doesn’t mean that they mean it. We’ve all been there so we know.
A relationship means I am committed to you. Imagine a pool: “talking” is dipping your toes to test the waters. Dating is putting your legs or 3/4 of your body in the water and a relationship is a full on submersion.
The key to a lasting relationship besides putting God first is to never stop dating. That’s why I really wanted to do this blog. Sometimes along the way, relationships start to feel like a chore. You go to same places over and over and it becomes routine; you think the logical thing to do is get married because you’ve been together for so long. When you haven’t been dating since you got in the relationship, you assumed that you know everything that you learned in the beginning. Not taking in the fact that you’ve both changed and hopefully have grown during that time period and that there’s always something new to learn.
So ladies and gents, whether you’re single, in a relationship, married or whatever, remember NEVER stop dating.
It’s a total lack of trust
So here’s what happened, during my birthday week celebration my parents went on their first roller coaster ride. After the ride my dad said “I thought I was gonna fall, but after the first dip I didn’t fall and I knew I would be okay.”
Fast forward to tonight, I just watched “nobody’s fool” with my sisters and it hit me. (Tipsy mind working). We scream because we don’t trust that we won’t fall or we think that somewhere long the ride something will go wrong and we won’t be able to recover from the damage.
Sort of like when people get hurt and then decide to get back out there. You know you want to move on (get on that roller coaster), you know you’ve pre-vetted the guy or girl (checked to make sure you’re truly strapped in) but you still scream when the ride goes down on turns a corner too fast or goes backwards at top speed. You get scared when things start to go wrong, a.k.a your first disagreement/argument.
Here’a how “Nobody’s Fool” ties in. Danica (Tika Sumpter) is heartbroken over her ex-fiance dumping her and moving on. Even though Danica’s been hurt she still wants to find love, she wants someone who matches everything on her “list.” (Lists don’t work ladies/gents). Charlie (the guy she’s never met but has been dating for a year) seems like the perfect guy. He checks everything off her list while Frank (Omari Chadwick) is someone she could never see herself associated with. Of course, predictable we know who she ends up with.
However, during the movie Danica “harmlessly” flirted with Frank while she was dating Charlie. (She didn’t want to admit that she had a thing for Frank). As she gets to know more about Frank (who she actually sees regularly) she becomes blinded by his flaws and imperfections (things that aren’t on her list). But, he’s great in bed so she keeps him around until she finally meets Charlie. Danica drops Frank like hot potatoes to be with the guy who matches everything on her “list”. Finds out, Charlie isn’t the guy for her but she was so stuck on that list that she couldn’t see Frank for what he was.
Danica’s list was her safety net or in this case “pre-vetting” process. Frank is clearly the roller coaster, he takes turns with her that feel unexpected and because it doesn’t fit her “plan” for her life she tries to fall back.
What am I getting at? Trust yourself to make the right decision for YOU. Let go and enjoy the twist and turns of your partner, it builds character. I am not saying to stay with an asshole or jerk or disrespectful person. But don’t dismiss someone simply because they don’t fit in your box.
Can I be honest? I don’t know how to guide you on how to handle rejection. But, I know that what I tell myself motivates me to move on. The key is to move on, move forward, move past the hurt.
It sucks to be rejected, especially if you have low self-esteem. And there’s a lot that affects low self-esteem but that’s a topic for another time.
You question yourself. What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me? Am I not good enough? I am not pretty enough? Should I straighten my hair? Should I wear tighter clothes? Should I work out more? Should I start listening to this artist? What should I change about myself so he or she can like me?
These are questions we all ask. Whether we say out loud or in mind, those questions are real.
You know how they always say, actions speak louder than words? Well, words have a more lasting impact than actions. If you’re a child of God you know the power of words, the power of speaking things into existence. I live by that, so here’s what I do.
While my mind is trying to make me think that I’m not good enough, I’m declaring that I am more than enough. While I’m online shopping trying to “update” my closet to be more likable, I am declaring that I am worth it. While drowning my sorrows and hurt and pain and disappointment in alcohol, my heart is screaming that I deserve someone good.
You got turned down/ghosted BECAUSE THEY WEREN’T READY FOR YOU. They could have broken you, they could have made your life miserable. Again, I don’t know for sure but I always say, a rejection is a confirmation from God that he wasn’t for me.
Someone better is coming your way. Cry, kick and then dust yourself off. Shake your shoulders, take a deep breath, take a good look at yourself. Look yourself in the mirror and say it with confidence, better is coming. Ladies, put your lipstick on. Fellas, put on your best shoes. Strut, better is coming.
Better is coming!
How to shoot your shot?
If you’re shy, the best thing would be to throw that shyness out the window. However, if timidity is just a part of your personality here are some tips.
- Directly ask for his/her number (preferably in person, I know it scares you but you can do it).
- Start a conversation: ask questions you want to know the answer to
- ex: what do you do for fun? maybe you’ll have common hobbies which could be what leads to your first date.
- what sort of food do you like to eat? you’ll have an idea of what to avoid/get when you get food together
- what’s your typical bedtime? you can’t get mad at them for not answering a text at 2 a.m. if they already told you their usual bedtime is about 12 a.m.
- Be consistent – personally nothing aggravates me more than a fool who pops in and out on me. One moment it’s “when are we hanging out?” or some version of that to absolute silence, no communication for weeks or months. If you’re interested I need that consistency. (I believe most people would agree).
- Show off a little bit – and I do mean a LITTLE bit, it’s good to see what you’re confident. Whether it be writing spoken word or singing or playing an instrument or whatever. Let them know this is ONE or two of the many things you excel at.
- Laughter: I know, this should be common sense but there is nothing more attractive than someone who can make you laugh. That shows your “crush” that YOU have a sense of humor AND they GET your humor. Nobody likes when their jokes fall flat.
For my bold friends, the approaches above work too. However, here’s how you could do things differently.
- Use your main point of contact such as Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, Text and say “I find you to be (insert adjective) and I’d like to know you better” or some version of that.
- straight forward, to the point, you’re not playing games.
- Set up a face to face interaction between the two of you within at least two weeks.
- there are some people who only believe in communicating behind screens – we’re not about that.
- Let me know how it goes from there.
IF you shoot your shot and get turned down – First, I’m sorry and that’s their lost. But how do you handle that? Because truthfully, you could follow the setup above and still get shot down. It sucks and it hurts and it kicks at your self-esteem. Everyone deals differently so I don’t know. But I’ll tell you what I’ve done when I got shot down, in my next blog post. Stay tuned.
The first time we held hands I knew
I knew you were special
Oh I tried to deny it
Like I didn’t feel the sparks
Like my heart didn’t just skip a beat
But deep down I knew
The way our palms met effortlessly
and our fingers intertwined as if we’ve been doing this for a while
When we first held hands
Our souls met and that was the beginning of forever
Deep down I knew and you did too
It’s like our hearts had it’s own conversation
That our brain wasn’t invited to
They spoke a secret language that only they could understand
And now looking down at our hands
Old and wrinkled, with scars full of stories
I know that, I never wanna let go of your hand